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Another short script I wrote

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Maidenscombe:
Bristol's Lesbian Vampire Hunters
INT. (TRANSPORT) CAFE - EVENING

ALFRED, LORRAINE, JIM and SANDY are sitting at a table in an old transport cafe.
There is one mug of coffee on the table a bowl of sugar, a glass of milk and four spoons.
Three taxi-cab drivers share a table.
At two other tables, lone men are having a meal.

                     JIM
                 (to Alfred)
             Your turn.

                     ALFRED
                 (very sarcastically)
             Ooh goody.

Alfred half fills a spoon with sugar, he puts it into his mouth, has a mouthful of coffee from the mug. He then pours a bit of the milk into his mouth.
He moves the spoon about inside his mouth.
Jim picks up his teaspoon from the table.

                     JIM
             There has to be an easier way.

                     ALFRED
             Yeah, flaming right.
                 (he looks at Lorraine)

Jim puts half a spoon of sugar into his mouth, then takes the spoon out. He has a mouthful of coffee then shakes his head from side to side.
He swallows.

                     JIM
             It still doesn’t taste right.

                     LORRAINE
             That could be because you didn’t
             add any milk.

                     SANDY
             That’s the thing with coffee, it
             should be stirred, not shaken.

2
                     LORRAINE
             Just because I don’t like sugar,
             thanks guys, you are all so sweet.

                     ALFRED
             There you go, now she thinks we
             are all sweet.

                     JIM
             Oh great, how to ruin a reputation,
             saying we are sweet.

                     LORRAINE
             You had a reputation? When?

                     JIM
             Oh, I can see the promo’s now.
             Here come Bristol’s Lesbian
             Vampire Hunters, but they are all
             sweeties really! Bloody great!

                     ALFRED
             I wish we had some of that money
             now.

                     SANDY
             I wish we had some ruddy money.

                     ALFRED
                 (looking at Lorraine)
             Bit to subtle for you was it? I
             know how we could have some
             money.

                     LORRAINE
             I told you, I am not doing that.

                     ALFRED
             Oh go on, we’ve got your back.

                     LORRAINE
             It’s not my back I’m thinking of.
             I’m not doing it!

A Taxi cab driver walks into the cafe

                     TAXI DRIVER
             Whose is that ruddy big hearse
             outside, with a Boy’s own coffin
             in it?

3
He sits down at the table with the cab drivers.

                     CAB DRIVER #1
                 (pointing to Lorraine)
             It’s hers. Ha ha.

They all laugh.

                     JIM
             That isn’t funny.

                     LORRAINE
             At least it’ll keep the girly
             vampires away.

                     CAB DRIVER #1
             All vampires?

                     JIM
             No, just the Lesbian Vampires.

The taxi drivers look at each other. They laugh.

                     SANDY
             That is no laughing matter.

                     ALFRED
                 (whisper to Jim)
             Does that mean we shouldn’t laugh
             as well?

                     SANDY
                 (to the taxi drivers)
             Just be glad you don’t have to
             kill them.

                     CAB DRIVER #2
             How do you kill them?

                     ALFRED
                 (whispers to Jimmy)
             Uh oh.

                     SANDY
             I can show you how.

                     JIM
                 (whispers to Alfred)
             Here we go.

4
Lorraine holds up a wooden stake.

                     LORRAINE
             They don’t like these things.

                     SANDY           
             Yep, those lesbian vampires and
             the phallic shaped piece of wood.

                     LORRAINE
                 (to Alfred and Jim)
             Hey, who did this?

Lorraine holds the wooden stake to them.
It has a painted red end.

                     LORRAINE
                 (angrily)
             Who painted it?

Jim bursts out laughing.
Lorraine stares at Jim.

                     ALFRED
             Well, that is funny.

Lorraine stares at Alfred.

                     LORRAINE
             It wasn’t even done properly.

                     JIM
             I wanted to, but we didn’t have
             enough money.

                     SANDY
             Hmm, money.

                     ALFRED
             Oh, just think of the make up you
             could buy, the clothes, the shoes.

                     LORRAINE
             I am not doing it!

                     SANDY
             Food, food, oh how I miss food.

                     JIM
             The beer, and a coffee each.

5
                     LORRAINE
             No, no! NO!
                (she stares at them)
             And no!

INT. THEIR STALL AT HORROR.CON - DAY   

The name on the stall is BRISTOL’S LESBIAN VAMPIRE HUNTERS.
Standing in front of the stall are Sandy, Alfred, Jim and
Lorraine. Lorraine is wearing a long blonde wig, a jumper and red leather jeans.
Under the sign it reads, ENGLAND’S ANSWER TO BUFFY.

                     ALFRED
             Hey, do you know how to tell if
             they hunt lesbian vampires?

                     JIM
             No, how?

                     ALFRED
             Look to see if they are holding a
             stake with a red end.

Alfred grins.

                     LORRAINE
             Why did I agree to this?

                     SANDY
             It could be worse.

INT. WOMAN WALKS TO LORRAINE - DAY

A young woman with blonde hair walks to Lorraine, she puts her hand on Lorraine’s shoulder. (The blonde woman’s back is to the camera. (Buffy?) )

                     BLONDE
             Are you a lesbian?

The blonde woman kisses Lorraine, on her cheek.

6
                     JIM
             We are Lesbian vampire Hunters,
             Lorraine is not a lesbian.

Jim looks to Alfred, he slowly begins to smile.
The woman walks away from Lorraine.
Alfred looks at her, he looks increasingly surprised.

                     ALFRED
             That wasn’t her, was it?

They all watch her walk away. They are all surprised.
Sandy sits down at the counter, she looks blankly at the counter.

                     SANDY
             What are we doing next?

                     JIM
             We are due to go to the town of
             Pornithian, to the castle.

                     SANDY
             Are vampires there? How many are
             there, does anyone else know?

                     ALFRED
             Yeah, I know, there is eight of
             them.

                     JIM
             A group of vampires! What is a
             group known as?

                     ALFRED
             I’m not sure, but it won’t be a
             nag of lesbian vampires.

                     LORRAINE
             Why not?

                     ALFRED
             From what I’ve been told, the
             female doesn’t start to nag until
             after she is married. That’s what
             my married friends say.

                     SANDY
             The correct term for them is Bed,
             a bed of lesbian vampires.

7
Jim begins to smile, then he laughs.

                     SANDY
             What?

                     JIM
             We are going into the Castle of
             Pornithian, Porn Castle. And we
             are looking for a bed of lesbians
             vampires?

INT. IN THE HEARSE, DRIVING TO THE CASTLE - MORNING
(the next morning)

Driving on a road a car is driving behind them, is too close, it is sounding it’s horn.
Sandy gets in the coffin.
The curtains inside the hearse are drawn

                     JIM
             It’s almost time Sandy.

As soon as they stop at a set of traffic lights.

                     JIM
             Okay, when you are ready Sandy.

ANGLE: LOOKING AT THE COFFIN, FROM THE BACK OF THE CAR.

The coffin opens, Sandy sits up, she waves to the car behind then lies down and closes the coffin.
Driving away from the lights.

ANGLE: LOOKING INTO THE FRONT OF THE HUNTERS CAR

The following car goes another way.

                    ALFRED
             That got rid of them.

The coffin lid opens again.

                     SANDY
             Which idiot put this in here?

8
Sandy hold up the stake with the red end.
Jim, Lorraine and Alfred burst out laughing.

EXT. AT A HOTEL, IN THE TOWN - EVENING

They are sitting, watching the television.

                     LORRAINE
             When should we go to the castle?

                     SANDY
             I think the morning will be best.
             Mind you if we go there now and
             have a look about.

                     JIM
             I agree, at least we will be able
             to see where to go.

                     ALFRED
             If we get them tonight, at least
             we won’t get lost tomorrow trying
             to find their coffins.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CASTLE - NIGHT

Lorraine, Jim, Alfred and Sandy get out of the car in the castle’s car park.

                     LORRAINE
             Look at all the cars.

Looking at the walls.

                     LORRAINE
             It is a restaurant.

                     SANDY
             That makes sense, for the vampires
             plenty of people to choose from.

                     ALFRED
             It might be a good idea if we go
             in now. At least they won’t attack
             with other people about, I hope.

They walk to the doors of the restaurant.

9
INT. IN THE MAIN ROOM - EVENING

In the main room people are sitting at three long tables. A head table and two side tables.

                     JIM
             A medieval banquet? I don’t like
             the idea of this, it stinks of
             being a set up.

                     ALFRED
             Agreed, do you think we should
             wait for a while?

                     JIM
             As long as it isn’t for too long.

                     ALFRED
             I wasn’t planning on staying the
             night if that‘s what you mean.

                     SANDY
             Oh I don’t know, us girls will be
             alright.

                     LORRAINE
             That is true. We could share a bed
             tonight.

                     SANDY
             I was thinking about sharing a bed
             as well. If Lorraine and I shared the
             chances are, we’d be okay.

Suddenly, some of the guests begin to attack the other guests of the banquet.
Some of the people escape.
The hunters kill some of the vampires.
As Lorraine is about to stab a vampire with a stake.

                     SANDY
             Wait! Put two of them holding
             hands and take a photograph of
             them.

                     ALFRED
             Good idea, we stand more chance
             of getting paid if we have proof.

10
                     LORRAINE
             Are you serious?

Lorraine looks at them, she is surprised at what Alfred has said.

                     LORRAINE
             Get proof of them being lesbian
             vampires? Okay, but that makes the
             name of the castle seem quite apt.

THE END.































Maidenscombe:

(a variation of a script for Western Australia)
1  EXT. LOOKING AT THE WATER - DAY               1

Looking at the water passing by a woman’s feet.

TINA STANDISH points to the canal wall.

                     TINA STANDISH
             Walls had to be built along the
             river to stop the water draining
             into the nearby fields.

THE CAMERA: Looking at, and along the canal.


2  EXT. THE INTERVIEW - DAY                      2

TINA prepares her make-up, then she straightens her dress.
Looking to the person she is about to interview.
                                                       
                     TINA STANDISH
             Are you ready?

                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             Yes, as ready as I will ever be.
                                                       
TINA STANDISH looks to the camera operator.

                     TINA STANDISH
                 (pointedly)
             When you are ready.
                                                       
                     THE DIRECTOR V.O.
             In three, two, one.
                                                       
                     TINA STANDISH
             This is Tina Standish, I am stood
             next to the canal near Bath.

TINA STANDISH indicates the canal.
(UNSEEN) A figure in the field watches them, she has red eyes.

                     TINA STANDISH
             With me is Dr. Enkleman. He is a
             Professor at the University of
             Bristol.


                                                  page 2

3  EXT. CLOSE UP OF DR. ENKLEMAN - DAY           3

DR. ENKLEMAN steps forward a few paces, then kneels down to the canal wall.

                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             This is such a lovely feat of
             skilled workmanship.

He slaps the wall.

                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             Impressive isn’t it?

He stands up.

                     TINA STANDISH  O.S.
             Is it safe to slap it like that?
                                                     
FLUTE: A flute is heard in the distance. (quiet background music)

                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             Oh yes, it is very sturdy.

He looks at the wall.

                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             See, it isn’t leaking.
                                                   
                     TINA STANDISH
             How well built is the wall?
                                                       
                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             Actually this part of the canal.
                 (he looks both ways at the canal)
             This part took four time longer than
             anywhere else to build.

                     TINA STANDISH
             Really? Why?

                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             This area has had many reports of
             strange sightings.

                     TINA STANDISH
             Because of the canal?
                                                  page 3

                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             Many reports were made of tools
             vanishing, horses refusing to go 
             near this area, there was even one
             report of a group of children in
             that field.

He points to a field.
A tune from a flute is heard. (A happy tune.)                                             

                     TINA STANDISH
                 (to the camera)
             Can you hear that?
                                                       
TINA STANDISH looks to the field.

                     THE DIRECTOR    V.O. 
             I can hear it loud and clear.

The sound of the flute fades away.

                     TINA STANDISH
             Dr. Enkleman, how long has this
             canal?

TINA STANDISH looks around.

                     TINA STANDISH
             Dr. Enkleman?
                                                                                                             
                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             Yes sorry. There has been a river
             here for years. It was re built
             as a canal about a hundred years
             ago.

DR. ENKLEMAN rocks back then forward.


4  EXT. A GIRL APPEARS - DAY                     4

GHOST: A girl is seen standing behind them, she is pointing to the field.
                                                       
                     THE DIRECTOR V.O.
             Cut, there is a girl in shot, just
             behind you.

                                                  page 4

TINA STANDISH and DR. ENKLEMAN turn about to see her.

                     TINA STANDISH
             I can’t see anyone, where is she?
                                                                 
                     THE DIRECTOR   V.O.
             That girl is still there, I
             think she is pointing too, (pause)
             can anyone see where she is
             pointing?
                                                 
                                                     
5  EXT. LOOKING AT THE ‘GIRL’ - DAY            5

TINA STANDISH and DR. ENKLEMAN look to the girl.

                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             Yes, I see her. She is pointing
             into that field.

The sound of a flute is heard again.


6  EXT. LOOKING AT THE FIELD - DAY             6

The camera looks at where the girl is pointing.

                     TINA STANDISH  O.S.
             I can’t see anything there.

                     THE DIRECTOR  V.O.                   
             She seems to be pointing to
             something in that field.

                     TINA STANDISH  O.S.
             I’ll ask her what she is pointing
             at.
                                                 
As TINA STANDISH walks towards the girl, she vanishes.
TINA STANDISH stops, she turns, she faces the camera.
                                                                                                         
                     TINA STANDISH
                 (shocked)
             She just vanished! I was walking
             towards her.

TINA STANDISH turns to face the camera, she points to where the girl was standing.
                                                  page 5

                     TINA STANDISH
             I was going to help her, why did
             she vanish? .. How did she vanish?

DR. ENKLEMAN walks to where the girl was standing.
He turns to face TINA STANDISH.                                               
                                                     
                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             It looks like some one has been
             walking here, I wonder if that is
             where she went? 

The sound of the flute playing a happy tune is heard.
 
                     TINA STANDISH
             LOOK! I can just about see some
             figures in the field!

                     DR. ENKLEMAN
             It can’t be! That looks like a man
             playing a flute. And the children,
             they are following him.

THE CAMERA: Looking to the field. A figure of a young girl with red eyes is staring straight at them.
The ghost appears on the canal path.

                     THE DIRECTOR  V.O.
             That girl is back, she is pointing
             to the children in the field.

                     GHOST GIRL
                 (pitifully, looking to the camera)
             Please, help my friends.

THE END

Maidenscombe:
1  EXT. STANDING IN A FIELD - DAY

DAVE looks at the level piece of ground bit of ground he is standing on.

                     DAVE
             This is a good place for a stone
             circle.

                     JEFF
             What will we do with it?

                     DAVE
             Apart from look at it? You could
             use it.

                     JEFF
             Use it as what?

                     DAVE
             When you know how to build one, go
             somewhere that you like and build
             another one.

                     JEFF
             Why should I do that?

                     DAVE 
             Remember the old English ditty,
             Ring O Ring O Rosey? The line a ’A
             pocket full of posie’.

                     JEFF
             What of it?

                     DAVE
             That line is about different
             flowers or crops being transported
             around the country.

                     JEFF
             Stone circles are magic circles?

                     DAVE
             If you know how to build and use
             them.


Copyright John H. Barnes  February 2012  How To Build A Stone Circle   2

2  EXT. STANDING BY HIS CAR - DAY

Dave puts a sheet of paper of Jeff’s cars bonnet.

                     JEFF
             To travel between them I need to
             build a second one?

                     DAVE
             Either that or get a piece of one
             in Europe.

                     JEFF
             From one of them over there, how?

                     DAVE
             Have a friend send you a bit of
             one.

                     JEFF
             Break a bit off?

                     DAVE
             Look at all the stone circles
             there, ever wondered why they are
             falling to bits?

                     JEFF
             You mean it’s because people have
             been using parts of them?

Jeff looks at the sheet of paper.

                     JEFF
             How are they built?

                     DAVE
             Somebody is getting as bit
             impatient aren’t they?

Jeff smiles.

                     DAVE
             That ditty, the first line means
             the Stone Circle. Ring ‘O’ ring.

                     JEFF
             You’ve said about the second line.


Copyright John H. Barnes February 2012  How To Build A Stone Circle   3

                     DAVE
             The third line is the sound you
             need to make.

                     JEFF
             Literally?

                     DAVE
             No, you need to say it as Ar tis
             heu, arrte izi suheoo.

                     JEFF
             But the fourth line, ‘We all fall
             down’? How does that fit?

                     DAVE
             It is obvious when you know how.

He grins to Jeff.

                     DAVE
             Just imagine you been using them
             for a while.

                     JEFF
             Go on.


3  EXT. LOOKING AT THE FIELD - DAY

Dave looks at the angle of the ground.

                     DAVE
             Say you leave from a circle that
             is on a slope.

                     JEFF
             Okay.

                     DAVE
             And the one you are going to is
             also on a slope but the slope is
             the other way.

                     JEFF
             That’s easy, when you get there
             you will be off balance.


Copyright John H. Barnes February 2012  How To Build A Stone Circle   4


                     DAVE
             Exactly.

                     JEFF
             Oh right, yes, I see what you mean
             we all fall down! Clever.

Jeff looks at the field.

                     JEFF
             So how do you build one, how do
             you work out the points of a
             compass, alignments with the stars
             and the sun?

                     DAVE
             You don’t have to, someone else is
             bound to. And if no one does? Well
             they’ll say it was a hospital.

Jeff smiles.

                    DAVE
             It’s primary use is transport, all
             of them are except the one near
             Penzance in Cornwall. They got
             that one right.


4  EXT. THE MERRY MAIDENS STONE CIRCLE - DAY

                    JEFF
             That can’t be right, a group of
             maidens dancing on the Sabbath?

                    DAVE
             Yes, nineteen of them, all turned
             to stone.

                    JEFF
             So you can’t go there?

                    DAVE
             There’s two stones in a field near
             them, they are the pipers who made
             the music for the maidens to dance
             too, you can go to those.


Copyright John H. Barnes February 2012   How To Build A Stone Circle   5

                    JEFF
             Penzance? I’d like to go there. So,
             about making the circle itself?

                     DAVE
             Simple really, just make a circle
             with the stone. Make it two or
             three times as wide as a witches
             circle.

                     JEFF
             Is that important?

                     DAVE
             Not really, but it’ll make those
             know-it-alls think twice.
 
Jeff laughs.

                     DAVE
             Twenty paces from the circle make
             the operating point.

                     JEFF
             How do you know which direction to
             go in?

                     DAVE
             Two stones diagonally opposite in
             the circle are the mound stones,
             once they were spelt as moend
             stones. Go either way from them.

                     JEFF
             Is that all there is to it?

                     DAVE
             I think so.

                     JEFF
             Why don’t more people use them?
             There must be something else.

                     DAVE
             I don’t think so.

Dave is quiet.


Copyright  John H. Barnes February 2012  How To Build A Stone Circle   6

                     DAVE
             Yes there is, just the one thing.
             The only people who can use them
             have to have demon in them.

Dave steps to the operating point, he smiles to Jeff. Dave’s eyes become red.
He vanishes.

THE END
 













Maidenscombe:
MY FIRST SOLO PARACHUTE JUMP
1  INT. IN THE PLANE - DAY

JOHN is standing in the plane, waiting in the line. He is wearing his parachute, waiting for the instructor to tap his shoulder to tell him to jump.

                     JOHN
                  (to himself)
             Right, I am all strapped up. I
             have got the parachute on my back.
             The straps have all been checked.
             All I have to do is jump.

Looking at the sky outside of the plane.

                     JOHN
                  (to himself)
             When I get told to jump, all I
             have to do is jump out of this
             plane. I will go..., I will go. I
             am not nervous, I know it will be
             a good experience, a lot of people
             have told me so.

                     PILOT
                 (unheard by John)
             We are at 3,000 feet. The required
             height. We will be over the drop
             zone in twenty seconds.

                     THE INSTRUCTOR
                 (unheard by John)
             Okay everyone, you will love this
             experience. At one thousand five
             hundred feet, pull the cord to
             open the parachute.

The six other parachutists move to the jump position.

                     JUMP COORDINATOR
             When I say jump, I want you to
             jump out of the plane. Don’t
             forget, if you have any questions
             for me, use the radio that is
             strapped to your shoulder.

                     PILOT
                 (unheard by John)
             We are over the drop zone now.
page 2

                     JUMP COORDINATOR
             Are you all ready? One at a time.

He taps each of them on the shoulder.

                     JUMP COORDINATOR
             Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Each of them jumps out of the plane
John is still checking that he is prepared for the jump, when he is told to jump out of the plane, he does so without thinking what he is doing.
 

2  EXT. IN THE SKY - DAY
 
John looks at a cloud as he drops through it. He is surprised to see it.

                     JOHN
             Err guys, where’s the plane gone?

John is free falling through the air.

                     JOHN  CONT’D
             I wonder if the jump instructor
             had any last words of wisdom for
             us?

John looks down at the earth.

                     JOHN  CONT’D
             Thinking about it though, maybe I
             shouldn’t refer to them as, his
             LAST words of wisdom?

John looks at a tree on the ground, he is rushing towards it.
He looks about the sky.

                     JOHN
             I wish I knew where the others
             are. I’d like to know where we are
             meant to be going? Or if I’m going
             the right way.

He looks around trying to see the others.

page 3

                     JOHN
             How many others are there?

He keeps looking.

                     JOHN
             That’s it, I’ll wait until they
             open their parachutes. They will
             be easier to see then.

He smiles to himself, then stops smiling.

                     JOHN
             How do I open my parachute?

A look of success.

                     JOHN
             I remember, wait until I’m at one
             thousand five hundred feet then
             pull the cord.

Watching the dial as it nears the required height.
He pulls the cord and the parachute opens.
The straps hold the parachute to him.

                     JOHN
             Holy bloody Jesus!

He tries to touch the straps at his groin.

                     JOHN
             Frigging hell! I thought they
             were tight before, but now! Holy
             effing crap!

He looks up into the sky. (to God)

                     JOHN  CONT’D
             Sorry.

Breathing in deeply, he looks around.

                     JOHN
             Now, where are the others?

Looking side to side, he sees a parachute on his right.

page 4

                     JOHN
             Oh good.

He then sees a second parachute.
Trying to turn to face them.

                     JOHN
             Oh dear, how do I get this thing
             to turn about? Pull the cord on
             one side a bit?

He turns to facing the seven other parachutes.

                     JOHN
             That is better! I hope they know
             where they are going.

He looks at the ground, it is getting bigger, closer.

                     JOHN
             Now how did he say to land?
                 (look of success)
             Aha, the radio!

He smiles.
Pressing the transmit button on the radio.

                     JOHN
             Hello, is anyone there? Can anyone
             hear me?

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             You are listening to the sounds of
             the seventies on triple J FM.

                     JOHN
             What the..... ?

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say
             that. Hi, that’s John isn’t it? I
             was wondering when I’d hear from
             you. How is it going?

                     JOHN
             I’m having great fun, and what you
             said regarding triple J FM. YOU
             ROTTEN BLOODY BASTARD!
page 5

                     JOHN  CONT’D
             Actually, there is something I’m
             not too sure about.

He finishes the message.
Then he presses the transmit button on the radio again.

                     JOHN  CONT’D
             Over.

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             Ask away, that’s what I’m here for.
             Over.

                     JOHN
             What is the correct way to land?

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             Not a problem, just let me know
             when you are a bit closer to the
             ground. If you ease the parachute
             forwards a bit, that will help,
             bend your knees. Then when you
             touch the ground roll until your
             knees are along the ground. You
             should be ok.

The radio is silent for a while.

                     JOHN
             Err, do you want the good news or
             the bad news.

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             Good news first please, then the
             bad.

                     JOHN
             The good news is I’m on the ground,
             and all is well. The bad news is I
             only heard ease the parachute
             forwards. I missed the rest.

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             As long as all is well. Now, don’t
             forget to gather in the parachute.
             It’d be a right if a strong gust
             of wind buggered up the good news.
page 6

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             John? John? Hello... John?


3  EXT. ON THE GROUND - DAY

About to gather the parachute John hears the wind rushing passed him.
Then he is hanging in a tree.

                     JOHN
                 (to the Jump instructor)
             Do you want to hear the good news
             first, again. Over.

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             Yeah, go on then, over..

                     JOHN
             What you said about the gust of
             wind? You were spot on! The bad
             news is that I am hanging in a
             tree now. You know, considering
             I’ve just come from three
             thousand foot, this last fifteen
             looks a bloody long way! Over.

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             No problems John, you’ll be
             alright. I’ll be with you in a
             minute, or so. Over.


4  EXT. PARACHUTE GOES PASSED - DAY

A blurr of a parachute flashes passed where John is hanging.

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
                 (breathlessly on the radio)
             Can you make that about five
             minutes John.

The radio is silent, then John hears the radio again.

                     JUMP INSTRUCTOR
             Over.
THE END

Maidenscombe:
ANOTHER BABY BONUS

1  INT. TALKING TO ME - DAY

Mother in a birthing room in hospital, quietly(?) contemplating the joys of motherhood.

                     GODMOTHER
                 (to the baby, you)
             During the joyous hours of child-
             birth your mother did have many
             thoughts of love for your father.

Mother lying on the birthing bed.

                     MOTHER
             You soddin bastard, this is all
             your fault.

                     FATHER
             After many seemingly endless hours
             you were born into this world.

                     THE BABY
                 (you)
             Screaming.

                     MOTHER
             A man slapped your botty, and yes
             that is when it broke, split it
             down the middle.

                     GODMOTHER
                 (to the baby)
             I remember those first moments of
             your life, your mother had many
             thoughts of love for your father.


2  INT. IN THE BIRTHING ROOM IN THE HOSPITAL - DAY

Mother trying to hold father.

                     MOTHER
             Next time you can bloody well stay
             awake. IF there’s a next time. 

Footage of the father holding the baby.

                     FATHER
             Your mothers love for you began to
             blossom even after you bit her.
 2

                     GODMOTHER
             That was when you first began to
             suckle from her.

Photograph of a gorilla’s breasts.

                     NARRATOR
             That was just in case this becomes
             a Disney production. And let’s
             face it, if you saw a picture of
             your mothers....

Photograph of her breasts.

                     NARRATOR
             Oh well, that’s buggered up any
             hope of Disney putting their name
             to it.

                     FATHER
             You did have problems, your body
             had a tendency to do strange
             things. One of those things did
             occur without any of your will.

                     MOTHER
             After the first week, most of us
             began to notice that your little
             thing down there had an odd
             tendency to move, usually of it’s
             own accord.

                     FATHER
             As the days passed by, and you
             grew older. Several times a day we
             would gather around you.

                     MOTHER
             Some people did like to watch you
             having all your clothes removed
             when you were being given a bath.

                     FATHER
             Hopefully your mother would
             remember to use luke warm water.

( Picture of a gherkin )

 3

                     FATHER
             Unfortunately sometimes she used
             cold water instead.

( Picture of a shrivelled gherkin )

                     FATHER
             With the passing of time we saw
             that parts of you would get cold
             and you would spend many an hour
             making that area warm. 


3  INT. A BABY HAVING ITS NAPPY CHANGED - DAY.

People stepping back quickly, covering their noses.

                     MOTHER
             Phew, that will have kept your
             botty warm.

                     FATHER
             Oh good god, how could my son do
             that?

                     GODMOTHER
                (covering her nose)
             Bloody hell!

The mother takes another step back.
 
                     MOTHER
                 (to the baby)
             When your father does clean you,
             let’s hope he uses luke warm water.

Picture of a plum.

                     MOTHER
             And not cold water.

Picture of a prune.

                     FATHER
             Oh dear, my poor little boy, the
             next part would have let you know
             what your drinks for the night
             would have been like.
 4

                     GODMOTHER
             It had far reaching consequences.
             When the container that housed the
             talcum powder was checked to see
             if any was left.

                     FATHER
             The clever ones among us.
                 (he points to himself)
             We knew to open the container when
             it is facing down.

                     MOTHER
             Unfortunately, some of us
                 (she glares to the father)
             we didn’t get enough sleep.

He shrugs to the Godmother.

                     FATHER
             It is easy to spot the sleepy
             ones, they open the container
             with the top upright. They might
             even squeeze the bottle. 

The mother glares at the father.

                     MOTHER
             That white stuff, it may cause me
             to sneeze.

                     GODMOTHER
             Even today it has a tendency to
             make some people say objectionable
             and colourful words.
 
                     FATHER
             And remember this, son, some
             people will get really upset if
             you choose to repeat what they
             said, as your first words.

                     MOTHER
             Especially when your father’s
             mother is with me.

The father tries not to laugh.
The mother GLARES at him.
 5

He looks at the ceiling, desperately trying to whistle.

                     GODMOTHER
                 (to the baby)
             Please do not repeat the words
             that your mother said..., again.

                     FATHER
             She didn’t like it, your first
             words being: That f...ing white
             powder.


4  INT. THE GODMOTHER TO THE BABY - DAY

A fresh smelling baby is brought into the kitchen by the mother.

                     GODMOTHER
                 (to the baby)
             As the weeks become months that
             little thing you have down there,
             it behave as it wants to.

                     FATHER
             You will notice it, girls will
             notice it. For some reason though,
             a girl usually wants to paint the
             end of it red.

                     GODMOTHER
             Sometimes it will point up,
             sometimes down. But at least there
             is a name for it, your big toe.


5  INT. IN THE BEDROOM - DAY

The father cradles the baby while he watches the footy.
Luckily his team are winning, if they were losing, his son might lose his last meal.







 6

                     FATHER
             Soon new words will enter your
             vocabulary. Along with them you
             will have an increase in your
             intelligence. So the knowledge
             will tell you that some words
             should only be repeated in school.
 
The godmother leans onto the sofa.

                     GODMOTHER
             If you’ve a gift of ventriloquism
             and the ability to sound exactly
             like other people, then great fun
             can be had with those words.

                     FATHER
             Then as the years go by, the most
             terrible of things will happen,
             hairs will start to grow down
             ‘THERE’.

                     GODMOTHER
             It is not a bad thing really,
             until you use one of your fathers
             used razors to cut the hairs off.

                     FATHER
             That’s the terrible bit. What
             happens next? The soddin’ things
             grow back, and the damned things
             itch.

                     GODMOTHER
             Then dread upon dread, it happens!

                     MOTHER
             There you are, in the busiest part
             of town and they begin to itch,
             you really need to scratch, but
             it’s nigh on impossible to scratch
             and not be noticed. So, what do
             you do? 





 7

                     FATHER
             Panic that is what you will do.
             The itching will driving you crazy,
             you will need to find a bench seat,
             sit and just pray that no-one will
             notice you.

                     GODMOTHER
             You will hate it when those hairs
             at the bottom of your legs start
             to grow back.   


6  INT. GIRLFRIEND TIME - DAY
 
                     MOTHER
             Then you wake up one morning and,
             horror upon horror! You have a
             girlfriend, and in the time
             honoured tradition it’s always
             just before valentine’s day,
             Or her birthday,
             Christmas,
             Easter,
             April fools day,
             Her mother’s birthday,
             Your mothers birthday.
             What-ever the reason, you find
             that you need to buy her a present!

                     FATHER
             At this point it should be told to
             you why a man invented flowers. He
             couldn’t think what to buy his
             girlfriend either. That is why
             flowers were invented. 

                     MOTHER
             With your first girlfriend, soon 
             comes that other time honoured
             Australian tradition - foreplay.


VIDEO FOOTAGE: Man and a woman in bed.

He elbows her in the ribs.


 8

                     BOY
             Oi! Are you awake?


END OF VIDEO FOOTAGE:

The Godmother shakes her head.

                     FATHER
             And if she does answer you...

             FATHER         MOTHER
             SEX!           SEX!

                     FATHER
             Son, should you ever want to know
             how to have sex properly, I hope
             this helps.


PHOTOGRAPH:

Picture of a teddy bear on top of another teddy bear, both are grinning stupidly towards the camera.


THE END

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